As children we are sponges. We are born with our fight or flight system as a perfectly operational tool of the subconscious mind from day 1. However, our conscious mind, which allows us to objectively analyze the context of a situation in terms of “good/healthy/happy for us”, doesn’t fully develop until many of our ideas about life have already been formed…around age 25. Scientists call this the brain’s “negativity bias”.
Many of the processes that guide your decisions & reactions, in present day, are conclusions drawn either from experiences early on in life, or that were passed on to you from your family in the form of what I call “ancestral conditioning”.
What is ancestral conditioning? The first form are stories passed down from generation to generation as “truisms”. If your family line is very religious, it’s likely that you will have a cognitive bias regarding “right & wrong” for that specific doctrine. Perhaps in your family it’s believed that women stay in the home &/or men don’t cry…that’s going to be something that you inherit as “true” as well.
Let’s say you’ve been raised believing that women belong in the home…what happens if you never question this belief? You may accept staying at home as a MUST – potentially leading to an absence of exploration of the world around you, resulting in inflexibility, judgement & defensiveness towards anything different. Or what happens when a desire in you suddenly awakens to work? You’d feel like there’s something wrong with you, or that you are betraying your family. This can lead to self hatred, repression & disengagement from your true desires.
The second form of conditioning are the judgements & labels we receive from the outside world on who we are. How many times did you hear that you were bad? Clumsy? Stupid? Too fat? Too talkative? If you’re a child & the people caring for you, “older & wiser”, give you feedback, you’re going to believe them aren’t you?
These labels create a number of faulty foundations:
“There’s something wrong with me.”
Did you drop the milk with the intention of ruining your mother’s day & dress? Did you purposely color on the walls? Did you know that lamp was a family heirloom? The input received – usually in disciplinary situations – creates very powerful founding beliefs that you carry forward.
Duality.
Right or wrong. Bad or good. Black or white. The modern world has taught us that everyone thinks they’re point of view is the right one. Sometimes the “worst” thing that happen to you are a gift. Universally applicable duality is impossible.
No context.
Was mom having a particularly shit day & transferring her anger to you when she, superlatively, said “Why do you always do this?” Did Dad just get fired when you came for a hug & he pushed you away & told you to stop bothering him? Not being able to have our own objectivity for the surrounding situation, we lived – & stored – that moment in absolute terms.
Run error.
There is a serious problem or we wouldn’t have been yelled at. What needs to happen in the future to avoid similar negative feedback? Enter the IF/Then statement. If Mommy says I always do that, then I must never make that mistake again. If Daddy says that I’m bothering him, then I should stop trying to hug him.
All of this happens without our conscious approval & continues to play in a loop to present day – unless you consciously reprogram your brain.
Let me give you another personal example:
When I was a child my parents literally forgot me at Sunday school. They went out for lunch with friends & I remained with the babysitters. I can still remember being on the steps of the church, sitting next to a rather irritated woman who was waiting with me (remember no cell phones!) & I felt ashamed and like a burden. And I know this is a founding moment because I can remember it to this day (more on this tomorrow).
So here are the if/then statements = behavioral adjustment my brain wrote:
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•My parents are unreliable. -> I need to rely on myself = violent sense of independence
•This woman is mad because of me -> I don’t ever want to be a burden to anyone -= never ask for help.
•It feels terrible to feel unwanted.-> I don’t ever want to feel this way again. = weak interpersonal attachment
Now is it likely that one single situation caused a lifetime of behavior? Probably not. But it did present a hypothesis to my subconscious. And my subconscious, working to protect me, was always on the look out. Every time I experienced an interaction that caused a similar FEELING to one of those initial conclusions, it gained more proof & more power. Until it became a pattern. And this is what we’ll look at next time.
Did you miss part 1 ?
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