Every morning when I open the blinds, I can tell by the pattern of light coming through the windows whether or not it will be sunny or gray, without even having to look outside. But yesterday morning, the light was so unusual that I stopped what I was doing to go outside and see.
There was a thick layer of clouds that were breaking as the sun was rising. The reflection of the sun off the clouds created this sort of a golden orange halo around the city.
As I watched the sunrise it occurred to me that what made this morning unique enough to break my usual routine was the dance between the light & the clouds. It was the sun fighting through the clouds that made the most beautiful and special tones of light.
This is no different for ourselves. We naturally hope for an obstacle free life – something that is an absolute impossibility – but it is through our own individual struggles and unique set of challenges that we create our own special pattern of light that we cast on others.
Obstacles. From the latin OB – against – STARE – stand. Something that stands against you. Obstacles can be of numerous forms: physical, people, situations, age, time. They can also be pure figments of our imagination. Every time we think “Oh I would do that but that’s not my style” (or something to that effect) our obstacle is our own definitions. If you’re trying to identify the obstacle in conversation, look for whatever follows the word BUT. If it’s not real, but imagined, we can also call them excuses.
The difference that I would like to make – compared to the original Latin definition is that obstacles also imply a hierarchy of values. It’s not just something in the way, or something that pushes against us, it’s something that comes between us and what we want.
For example, let’s say there’s a position open in my company. I’m “eh” about it. Like could take it or leave it. Someone else is in the running for the job. I don’t go crazy about it because that job’s not something I want. But let’s say I really want that promotion and there’s another person in the running….they suddenly become my obstacle to what I want.
So it’s not just about being in the way – it’s about being in the way of the path I’ve decided I want to take.
So what do we do when faced with an obstacle? Since it’s something we want there is an innate motivation to get past the obstacle. Otherwise at the first sign of difficulty on our path we would simply give up & move on, or be halted by it. But we want what’s on the other side of the obstacle, so we try.
At first perhaps we try what we know, something that has worked in other situations. If that works, great. We’ve expanded our knowledge about current arsenal of problem solving. If it doesn’t work, then we have to start thinking. Thoughts are the first signal to the brain that this is important to you. The more we think about something, the more the brain rewires itself to make that thought a priority (you can see why this is harmful with negative thoughts).
We are now forced to think about things in ways we hadn’t before. Perhaps we look at the obstacle from one direction and then another. Perhaps we try different solutions. All of this effort creates new pathways in your brain. Meaning that in the act of trying to solve the puzzle, you literally expand your network of connections and associations. Your brain is changed in the process. You have acquired new thoughts, new skills, new conclusions, new associations, new strategies, new realities. Think of it as a software upgrade.
At some point, however, our determination to get past an obstacle can turn into a liability. Let me share a personal story.
I consider myself an incredibly determined creature – I don’t like giving up until I’ve achieved my goals. Life has taught me MANY times that this is not always a good thing. Let me give you a very recent example.
I was away with my daughter for the weekend, celebrating her 13th birthday. We have a tradition to go to this restaurant in Florence for special occasions. We rented a room in one of these historic residences, which are usually amazing, but This one was “meh”. Instead of B&B it’s a semi-stocked DIY kitchen.
Morning coffee to me is sacred. A hiccup in the morning coffee routine is usually an omen. This place has instant coffee (which to me is an abomination) or the Italian moka, which, as any non Italian will tell you, it’s a giant obstacle.
So this moka is a mess and you can tell by looking at it, that it should have been retired years ago – the handle melting off, where you put the coffee all bent out of shape The owners should have spent the $10 to replace it by now. But I hate instant so much, I decide to try anyway.
The first time, the small burner doesn’t have enough flame to boil water. The second time, the large burner melts what’s left of the handle. The third time, due to the misshape of the internal container, the water leaks out all over the stove. The fourth time some coffee actually came out. I’m finally able to enjoy my cup of coffee.
Not satisfied…I decide to try for a second cup. I’ll save you the details but it ends in another 3 attempts & a large burn on my thumb. I was forced to go for the instant coffee.
So obstacles can give us the opportunity to expand our current knowledge, experience, or reasoning tools. We can also learn that some obstacles are not meant to be overcome and there’s two ways we deal with that.
Many times we question “how do I know if I’m on the right path?”. Sometimes we have moments where everything just seems to fall into place. Other times it seems that nothing goes the way we want, especially when they’re things we really want.
When faced with these obstacles, we try. If we do not succeed in overcoming them, we tend to accept them. This means that instead of trying to do away with them, we are forced to incorporate them into our experience. We alter our approach to now accommodate the presence of this obstacle. Bridges are a perfect example of accepting & incorporating the obstacle.
By simply accepting it, we’ve changed it’s role. It’s now no longer against us (remember this is the original definition) it’s now part of the plan. In acceptance of the obstacle, it transforms its energy. Not only another lesson but one that causes far less anxiety.
Learning is still present, since we still have to create a process that includes this new addition. But the lesson is absorbed in a far less violent fashion. There is no clash of energy between us and the obstacle. There is welcoming.
But what if we don’t want to welcome this obstacle? What if we want to overcome it but we can’t? What’s our choice then?
When faced with a force that we decide is immovable in front of us what do we do? We can’t overcome it. We don’t want to accept it. What choice is left for us?
We change paths.
How many times have we tried to change those dynamics in a relationship before we realize that things aren’t going to change? How many times have we tried to beat a situation in the office before we realized that it was just better to work somewhere else?
Remember it’s an obstacle because we think we want what’s on the other side. If there is no other side, because the obstacle can’t be removed, we’ve hit a wall. The end of the road. A life journey cul-de-sac. Your obstacle is now a course corrector.
I’ve said in the past that you can’t get what you want until you stop accepting what you don’t. So the longer we stay engaged in trying to knock down an obstacle that’s proven, time & time again, that it’s not going to budge, the longer we delay actually moving onto the next section of our path.
Like my coffee situation – as long as I insisted on making it work the way I wanted it to work, the further & further away the moment of me actually enjoying the coffee got. If you’re on your 7th try, it’s not about achieving what you wanted anymore. It’s just the need to feel in control. But sometimes our need for control blocks what’s truly meant for us from coming in. How long we stay at the wall is entirely up to us.
I want to give you an example of how I used obstacles in my work and why, intermingled with a little brain science.
The brain is lazy, or rather it wants to build efficiencies everywhere. It likes to shortcut, & automate, as much of life as possible. Imagine if you had to wake up every morning & learn how to walk again. So once something is “mastered” it gets archived and set up as an auto-run program. Breathing, walking, eating are all examples of this.
There is also something known as heuristics. These are automated judgements about the people, places & things around us. Think of them as snap judgements based on a series of clues. Let’s say you’re walking down the street & you see a girl with hair that’s half bleached/half-hot pink, leather jacket, ripped tights and lace up Doc Martens.
Based on your social conditioning, you’ll draw immediate conclusions about this girl. Because your brain thinks it knows what it needs to know about this girl, it won’t spend anymore time trying to assess her. If there is brief interaction (perhaps you’ll speak) you use her actions to substantiate your existing heuristic; basically confirming what you know. Nothing new is learned & this person will likely be forgotten by you.
Now let’s say that while you’re interacting with this girl, she tells you that she’s a top lawyer at one of the most prestigious law firms in town. This will likely wake your brain right up – because it contradicts it’s auto-run judgement program. That’s not what top lawyers look like to our brain.
So your brain starts investigating. You’ll take a second look at the clothes: what did you miss? You’ll ask questions that will try & bridge the gap between what you believed & actual reality. The more time you try to figure out this puzzle, the more you will remember this girl.
You have to get your brain’s attention to actively think about something. The more thoughts you invest, & the more you elaborate the data, the more you start to expand your thinking.
I worked in a business where many companies have a ton of money to throw at marketing & communications. In on situation, for the amount of work we needed to produce we were relatively underfunded. At first I used to complain about this all the time. Until I realized that not having money was actually part of our success. Why? Heuristics.
If I had the money, I would have taken the easy route & just invest heavily. This would guarantee me audience. But we didn’t have that kind of money, so we had to be smarter. We had to look at every aspect of what we were hoping to achieve, we had to think of ways to make it work spontaneously, we had to come up with more clever words & images. We made better work because our brains were deeply engaged with the problem. “What if…” was something you heard often in our office. We invested time, attention, and problem solving skills in how to get around our obstacle of no funding. Throwing money at the problem would have made us lazy.
Our success actually lay in the obstacle itself.
So we’ve looked at a lot of different ways of thinking about obstacles. That really they can be learning experiences, that they tend to make our lives richer from certain points of view and that they can be very life changing in others. I once heard entrepreneur Uri Levine speak at a digital conference. The title of his presentation was “Fall in love with the problem” This is an approach I’d like to share with you. Instead of being annoyed by the obstacles in our life, there’s a chance to really appreciate them for what they can bring us.
Ready to train your brain to get great?
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