So let’s look at emotional conditioning. You may remember my article on the various attachment styles highlighted by Dr. John Bowlby. Our earliest days in life with our immediate caregivers are one of the single most determining factors of how we will experience relationships with other people, as a result of how we perceive ourself.
Its been seen that children in neglectful situations may go on to develop any number of pathologies ranging from severe ADHD, to simil Autism, to Narcissism, Sociopathy and finally Psycopathy. For most of us it’s just a series of failed relationships that leave us wondering “why did that happen again?” until we are clear on our dynamics.
But let’s assume that you haven’t come from a pronouncedly neglectful home and that, while you may not necessarily have a secure attachment style, you are relatively balanced in your life. This doesn’t mean that your brain hasn’t been emotionally conditioned as a child.
The first thing I want to stress is that even the best parents inevitably emotionally condition a child. There is really no way to escape this. First off because we are not given a handbook at birth on the potential psychological consequences of every single on of our actions/words.
The second is that part of our humanity is to err & our brain doesn’t like errors. So even the best parents on an off day can end up creating a situation that sticks to the child like glue. Actually it’s likely that the better the parents the more the off day sticks to the child because it is out of the norm.
So what is the form of emotional conditioning? Well there’s straightforward: mommy loves you so much when you’re a good boy. I wish you would dress more like a little girl. Anytime our parent – unwittingly – gives us a condition for their affection, that’s encoded.
Acceptance of the primary caregiver is fundamental. When children have desires that go in different directions – perhaps the daughter really likes leggings and not skirts – the brain is thrown into a difficult position of cognitive dissonance. This means that we are not able to see/feel two conflicting concepts/emotions at the same time. So we perceive the condition as do what mommy says or risk disapproval. (The equivalent of being rejected) How many of us still deal with this as adults?
Another form of emotional conditioning is less direct and comes in the form of judgements through superlatives & comparisons. “Why do you always have to do that?” “Can’t you ever be more quiet?” “I wish you would just do what I tell you.” “Why can’t you be more like…” “You should really learn to walk better.” Many of these sentences are said without a second thought, though simply reading them we intuitively understand the damage they can provoke.
Our parents are not the only ones who emotionally condition us. In adolescence the feedback from our friends functions as emotional conditioning. As adults from our colleagues. Our partners. Phrases like “you’re too rich/poor fat/thin smart/stupid quiet/talkative ambitious/lazy”
Basically everyone in our universe looks at us with their version of correction. In childhood these form what are called founding beliefs. We’ll look more at this next time.
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